Over the last month I've observed what seems like the longest sustained low energy level I've seen in quite a while. The word depression actually crossed my mind. I pretty much fell off doing everything, except a bit of writing (thankfully)
This last week I received a wide variety of stimuli of various sorts, and I got to observe myself bounce up and down, soaring highes and thudding lows in response to them. I just let them happen, took notes and mostly enjoyed the bouncy bit. After a bit of retrospection, it would appear that I am a very, very simple creature.
When I feel that I can make a positive change, I get a straight line to the energy source. Bzzz Bzzz on an energy high. It really doesn't matter if I'm solving the world's biggest problem, or just making someone smile. Being able to do something gives me the happy juice.
Feeling that I have no chance to make useful change, I deflate. Not just when I can't find my way out of a situation, but also when I feel that abandoning the situation is the best choice. And in particular what I observed very clearly was how depressed I felt when I know there's something wrong, but I simply don't have enough information to be able to choose a good path.
It turns out that the latter is a really big issue for me. Something is wrong. Something I could improve isn't as good as it could be... and I, in myself, don't have enough information to solve it. Yeah, just pull me right out of the sky and trample me. I think I hate this feeling more than anything else, because it's so easy to start thinking you'd know the answer if you weren't so stupid. But when I can think clearly, the truth is just that I haven't been here before, and this is all new to me.
I think the obvious answer is to learn to accept that this will happen sometimes. But frankly, knowing myself, I'm never going to be good at that. I think instead I need to rebalance my life a little bit more, ensure that there is always some part of my life that flows unrestricted, where I can feel strong and safe and happy. This will I think help me have patience with the other parts.
So I'm going to be making a lot of changes in the next few weeks in order to try and balance this out a lot better. I hope I get it right.