Jo Rhett (jorhett) wrote,
Jo Rhett

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strong relationships versus failing relationships

As you might imagine I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how my last relationship was in so many ways ideal, so very nearly perfect in all the important ways... and yet managed to fail pretty badly for both of us.

Right on the heels of some re-thinking of some things I had always held true about the relationship which may not actually be as true as I wanted them, this morning brought me a wonderful matching point of view from calendula_witch.

...have a set-in-stone policy of honesty and full disclosure, in our relationship. It's how we've made this complex, multifaceted, challenging, deeply rewarding, very unusual, unique and magnificent relationship work at all. We tell each other everything: what we are doing, what we are thinking, what we are feeling, what we are writing, what other people say to us--everything. Even the hard stuff. ESPECIALLY the hard stuff. I in particular come from past relationships where the hard stuff was avoided, brushed aside, not faced or dealt with....and, of course, it didn't go away; it just grew and grew and took over, and that's why I'm not in any of those past relationships any longer.

I LOVE our honesty. I LOVE that I can say anything--I don't have to self-censor, I don't have to worry that I will get "in trouble" for something that I have done or something that I am thinking or feeling. Sure, sometimes these things are not wonderful, and we do have difficult moments working some of this stuff out; but we always come out the other side stronger, happier, more trusting, more deeply connected.

This is my ideal as well. And most of the time, my last relationship met that ideal head on. It was hard, but it was worth it. You should read her post Honesty vs. Discretion for both her commentary for how their relationship works and the comments. It's good stuff.

And when the relationship failed, it failed because we weren't able to do this. There are multiple and overlapping reasons that this became true. And I failed because I accepted those changes, trying to be accommodating and supportive.

My take away from the morning musings (prior to reading her post) was that I can never again accept a situation where we dodge things for months at a time, forever back-burner them, in an effort to be supportive. I simply am constitutionally unable to sustain that situation. I was never happy with it, and in retrospect it didn't help. It just allowed all of those problems to grow and grow until they overwhelmed the good things we got out of the relationship.

It's not easy. But it's the right thing to do. It's the only way I want to be. And I don't intend to ever forget that.
Tags: self

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