August 9th, 2010

Relax! Be perfect! and other contemplations.

So I think that overall I am doing a fair/decent job of learning to relax. To believe in my friends even when I don't understand, to accept their love and affection, and give them my own. I'm learning. A large part of this is learning to relax. Be okay with ambiguity and shades of color. I thought I was pretty good at that, but I'm definitely getting better.

A good sign of success recently is that it's easy for me to spot when I go back inside my head and close off, because it has started to feel unnatural. Woot!

However I have recently observed that I'm making some boneheaded mistakes. Given that I pride myself on doing things right, on doing things I can do well at the best of my ability... this is not something I'm comfortable with. So I'm going to anchor, lock in, pay attention to everything, do exactly what is necessary and--

NO. Actually, that would likely just send me in a spiral the other direction, getting fixated on details and entirely right back out of the comfort zone I've just learned to be okay within.

I dislike a lack of competency. I really hate it within myself. And I feel like a total idiot -- I've had to beg mea culpas from both people whose affections mean the most to me and my co-workers recently. This isn't good.

But learning to accept softer, less iron-cast things means learning to live easily within fuzzy boundaries. Yeah, I'm fine with that, but apparently something in how I am doing this is causing me to allow really boneheaded mistakes to slip through. I'm not okay with that.

Be okay with it not being perfect. Get it right. Accept things you can't examine. Be perfect in what you deliver.

Damn. This is hard.
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